This past year, I’ve cried more than my share. I’ve felt the pain of awful memories, constant flashbacks, sleepless nights, nightmares, rejection, dissociation, lack of concentration, suicidal thoughts and lack of purpose for living.
A month ago I started to feel like I could begin to reach in to those dark places and try to find some missing pieces of my soul.
And then she died. My Mother left me. She took with her my dream of ever having a great relationship with her. She took my last tears with her. She took the few good memories I had and turned them into an everlasting memory of the breath between life and death.
The moment she passed, I lost a lot. Not only my fantasy of the perfect Mother – Daughter relationship, but I lost my ability to cry. I lost my ability to laugh. I lost my ability to feel for others. I’m not even sure how to reach my own ability to love.
This lack of feeling and the darkness of being empty is all I have.
Several months ago I was crying nearly every day. I thought I was broken. But maybe that’s when I was really starting to live. Maybe that’s when I was able to feel pain of losing my childhood. Maybe I was feeling fear of the memories and the unknown future.
Regardless, I was feeling. And now I feel nothing.
Is it a blessing? Is it a step backward? Who knows. But I’m just accepting it as who I am today.
Tomorrow I might not be numb. That scares the hell out of me.
When does this battle of the mind come to an end? When will peace be a part of my life?
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.