Yesterday I was shopping in a Kirkland’s store. It is a store filled with home decorations. I only had a few minutes, because I was on a my dinner break from my second job.
I saw this Cardinal blanket and I had to have it.
It reminded me so much of my brother Michael, who passed away. The last time we were in the garden at his nursing home, this cardinal landed.
This is the actual picture. It’s a little blurry, but I was trying not to scare the bird. Anyway, in our family, it is our belief that if you see a cardinal, you are being visited from a loved one who has already passed. As this little bird lands, literally at our feet, my brother says, “See, everything will be ok!”. Since then, I have had comfort in knowing that our loved ones can watch over and visit us.
Michael saw my Grandmother sitting at the edge of his bed a few days before he passed. He said she told him that she would be waiting for him. I was so grateful for him telling me that.
Now that I’m dealing with the aftermath of my mother’s death, I’m praying that maybe she met up with Michael and her mother as she passed from this life.
Death is inevitable for all of us. Death is surreal. Death is life-changing. Death is reality. This past week I have worked so many hours, just trying not to feel or think about death and it’s reality. I’m hoping it won’t catch up with me and make me feel those same awful grieving pains. I know all too well that grief is sneaky and can be life consuming.
So I’ve been running and avoiding and saying no to grief. But the truth is, ultimately I have no control over when and where it happens.
Should I keep trying and pray it never happens, or should I pray it happens and I am finally able to stop avoiding it?
I’ve been told that I’m a micro-manager of my own life. Sounded funny at first, but so true. I need to be in control of each and every feeling. Good or Bad. Happy or Sad. I’m the CEO of MJ’s soul and often feel like a failure at it.
True acceptance of myself would be to allow any feeling to happen and allow my soul to experience that feeling in a natural normal way. I’ve been in survival mode for so long, that I don’t know how to experience emotions.
For tonight, I’m going to wrap up in my blankie and have some cardinal comfort.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.