One week ago, my mother died. I say it to myself because I don’t believe it.
The whole week was so traumatic. She fell and hit her head and had a brain bleed. Within 24 hours she was brain dead. And in another 24 hours we had to remove her from life support.
The days following are just a blur. I cried some, but mostly just walked around dazed.
And now it’s one week later and it feels like 10 minutes ago. And yet it feels like 10 years ago.
In one week, everything has changed. My life. The life of my siblings. The life of my precious step-dad who I call Dad. My reaction to life has changed. How I react to hurt has changed. How I react to anger has changed. It’s all different.
And yet nothing pauses. Life keeps going. The world keeps turning. People don’t seem to know that I’m absent. I’m here but I’m not.
A co-worker said to me, “So sorry for your loss, but that’s life isn’t it?” I just shook my head. Partially in disbelief but also knowing that it is the truth.
Life is short. And elusive. We are here and then we are gone.
Everything I had planned for my future seems to have faded into the background. Everything that was familiar now is foreign. Every breath seems like a struggle.
To watch someone pass from this life is sobering. It’s an instant loss of all control and a feeling of helplessness.
Can she say one last thing? Can she give me one last hug? Can she just breath again?
Part of me wants to cry, but it feels like if I start, I will never be able to stop.
I don’t know when I’ll laugh again? Or cry again? I dont know when I’ll enjoy life again?
But for this moment, I have to close my eyes, try to shut out the pain, and try to get a few hours of sleep.
Grief is moment to moment. I always thought of myself as a strong person, but now I’m just void.
As I try to wade my way thru the emotions of life and death , I realize that everything familiar has changed. What a difference a week makes!
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.