From the moment I got out of bed today, I have struggled with emotions.
Not all bad. Some were good. But when you are used to being empty and void of feelings, it’s so foreign.
I kept thinking today that maybe I’m starting to lose my mind. Maybe I really am losing it.
I cried as soon as I woke up. When I got in my car, I heard music that made me happy. When I got to work, I got the usual Monday morning stress. I tried to stay focused and busy.
On my lunch, I had to run some errands. It felt good to be out in the sun. I stopped at the drug store to pick up a few things and the cashier was not very nice to me after I suggested something rang up incorrectly. She made a comment to me that I probably saw the wrong sign or something.
I felt that old familiar punch in the stomach. The “you screwed up again” complex. The feeling of worthliness.
I quickly grabbed my bag and left before anyone could see my tears.
After getting back to work, there were more problems with a few vacation days I had planned for next week.
Long story short, I will rescedule. But by this time it’s 6 pm and I am mentally toasted.
These may not seem like huge things to you, but when you are used to trying to control the outcome of every situation, it takes a toll.
I was able to stay together at work and put on that mask that everyone loves to see. But the truth is that I can hardly breath behind it.
I had a talk with myself on the way home and managed to be ok.
I’m tired. This PTSD war is the pits. You never know when or how a reminder will pop up. But guaranteed it will. When you least expect it.
My emotions are all over the place, but I should be thankful that I have them right?
Until next time – I am being Mj every day.