Day 61 – All Over The Place

From the moment I got out of bed today, I have struggled with emotions.

Not all bad. Some were good. But when you are used to being empty and void of feelings, it’s so foreign.

I kept thinking today that maybe I’m starting to lose my mind. Maybe I really am losing it.

I cried as soon as I woke up. When I got in my car, I heard music that made me happy. When I got to work, I got the usual Monday morning stress. I tried to stay focused and busy.

On my lunch, I had to run some errands. It felt good to be out in the sun. I stopped at the drug store to pick up a few things and the cashier was not very nice to me after I suggested something rang up incorrectly. She made a comment to me that I probably saw the wrong sign or something.

I felt that old familiar punch in the stomach. The “you screwed up again” complex. The feeling of worthliness.

I quickly grabbed my bag and left before anyone could see my tears.

After getting back to work, there were more problems with a few vacation days I had planned for next week.

Long story short, I will rescedule. But by this time it’s 6 pm and I am mentally toasted.

These may not seem like huge things to you, but when you are used to trying to control the outcome of every situation, it takes a toll.

I was able to stay together at work and put on that mask that everyone loves to see. But the truth is that I can hardly breath behind it.

I had a talk with myself on the way home and managed to be ok.

I’m tired. This PTSD war is the pits. You never know when or how a reminder will pop up. But guaranteed it will. When you least expect it.

My emotions are all over the place, but I should be thankful that I have them right?

Until next time – I am being Mj every day.

8 thoughts on “Day 61 – All Over The Place

  1. You’re not alone. I cried during my uber ride this morning because I caught myself micro managing the driver. He was playing christian music and next thing you know I am balling. I could not get out of the car. He said a prayer for me and for a moment I didn’t feel alone. PTSD is horrible. I had a break down yesterday and his face is still in my head. I hate him. I just hate him. I know I’ve been writing like crazy but I am so sick of people thinking I am scorned when in reality he hurt me so bad I am disabled. yet he just goes on flaunting it. I want him to go to jail and be someone’s GF. Hang in there. This probably wasn’t the healthiest comments but….I’m not in a healthy place.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, you are not alone. I am all over the place today too. ..at times I don’t know what I am feeling then I realise it may be fear or excitement. I also burst into tears at inopportune times. The only thing I know for sure is that when emotions open up they are deep and intense and all over the place. It can feel like we are going crazy or ‘losing our mind’ Today I am trying to ride my discomfort and speak softly to my scared self it helps a little but I’m also feeling super anxious. Sorry this comment is me me me but I do get how you feel….its not a sign of anything wrong with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not a bad person but sometimes I read what i write and there is so much anger. and i know i have a right to be angry but then…I don’t know. I don’t know who I am or what I am anymore. he destroyed my life by physically maiming me – I just want to be normal again. You know…I want my life back. I just don’t understand people…

    Like

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