Day 60 – Permission Slip

I have recently started working with a Life Coach named Teresa.  ( Although I’m in therapy, having a life coach is very different.

In therapy, I’m learning to admit that I was sexually abused.  I’m learning to talk about the memories, the pain, and the abandonment.  I’m learning how to identify feelings and even express them!  (Scary)

But with Teresa, I’m learning to look at the future as well.  She recently sent me a blank permission slip which I filled out the last time I went to therapy, and gave myself permission to cry if it came up. Although it did come up and I fought it back (as usual). I was thinking about that permission slip the whole time and struggling to stay focused on what Ms. A was saying.

There are so many things I want to do with my future. I’m going to give myself permission to do and experience things I’ve never done, or haven’t done in many years.  

It sounds simplistic but when you’ve spent so many years doubting yourself, and not able to like or appreciate who you are, it’s really tough.

When I was little, I dreamed of being a surgeon.  I wanted to be a heart surgeon.  Not sure why exactly.  I also dreamed of singing.  I wanted to be a back-up singer for someone famous.  That way I wouldn’t be seen in the front. Again, my thinking was that I was never quite good enough.

I didn’t get to go to college or attend a university.  My life was filled with days of just trying to survive. The amazing thing is that I have worked my way up the ladder by plain and simple hard work.  I’ve strived to learn everything I could about my industry and be the best I could be at work.  

Now work has become a shelter for me.  If I work 60 or 70 hours a week, there is no time to cry, or think, or have fun.  All of those things cause me conflict.  But when I’m working, my mind is settled.  My mind is focused and I am able to stay goal oriented and still know my limitations.  

Next week, I am taking 4 days off from both jobs.  I’m already thinking about what to do and how to fill those days.

Is there something that you fear? Is there something you want to do but have never given yourself permission to do?  Is there something you want to accomplish but just never dreamed you could?

Those are questions I have been asking myself, and I’m going to write myself a permission slip for each.

Until next time – I an being MJ every day.

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