Day 59 – What’s The Point?

I have probably said that statement more than 100 times over the past year. What’s the point?

What’s the point of love? What’s the point of life? What’s the point of caring? What’s the point of going to therapy? What’s the point of processing memories? What’s the point? What’s the point?

Trying to find meaning and purpose for my life has been such a struggle. Looking back, I have spent a good majority of my life just going thru the motions.

Work, eat, sleep, more work, less sleep. A viscious cycle. And yet I felt like that was a successful happy life. I felt like as long as I was a productive member of society that I had succeeded and I wouldn’t turn out like others who had been sexually abused.

I didn’t know there were success stories because I only saw the negative stories and I chose not to identify with “those” people who behaved in ways that I thought made them seem unsuccessful.

I placed myself in a different category than any other human being on the earth. Not in a superior way but in an “I don’t belong here” kind of way.

I can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. I can listen to other abuse stories and still feel different.

I have always analyzed my person. Is my hair ok? Is my voice to low? Am I too short? Do I annoy people? Are my clothes ok? Should I cry? Should I laugh?

I have analyzed and critiqued every part of my life. I have focused on the reasons why I can’t love myself.

I even wondered how God could love me. And He made me.

As I go thru this journey and things about me begin to change, I really question if it’s going to be better or worse than the old me.

The unknown scares me to death. I may not have liked myself and maybe other people didn’t either but it was ok because I didn’t expect anything more.

Now, as I try to change my self talk and negative ideas, I keep saying what’s the point?

Yes, I love others and would do anything for my friends and few family members, but when does this become about me? What’s the point?

I am made to have purpose and finding and fulfilling that purpose IS THE POINT.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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