Day 55 – Roller Coaster

The last week has been an absolute roller coaster of emotions for me.

I have experienced every emotion possible in 5 days. From happiness to suicidal thoughts. I have felt very important and worthless. I have laughed and cried. I have felt grief and pain. I have felt fully alive and soulfully dead all in the same week.

PTSD is no joke. It can give you symptoms without a notice. It can make you feel like you crashed your life and you are emotionally critical.

My sleep schedule has been all over the place. I didn’t sleep for days and then today I couldn’t seem to wakeup.

Several readers have asked if I’m ok. Let me say that it means everything to me to have people ask about how I am doing. It really gives me hope. Just to know that I am valuable helps me to hang on.

Finding purpose or a reason for my life is so difficult sometimes.

I haven’t told anyone about how I’ve been feeling. I try to just keep it at home base until the feelings pass.

On Friday, as I’m leaving Mrs. A’s office, all i could think is that nothing matters. I just wanted to disappear.

The truth is that it does matter. I want to get better. I want to heal. But it is hard work. So hard. So painful at times.

One of my biggest fears is that people will think I’m not trying. Or they will think I’m feeling sorry for myself. But this thing is real. And it’s very hard.

I can’t wait to feel normal again. I can’t wait end this nightmare. I can’t wait to have a desire to live my life as a whole person.

Thanks for reading and if you know anyone who is suffering with PTSD or has similar feelings to the ones I have mentioned, then please tell them to read my blog.

I need to know that my experiences have not been in vain.

Thank you everyone.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

10 thoughts on “Day 55 – Roller Coaster

  1. I have actually read that when we are uncovering and recovering its right on target to be up and down, to feel really tired and then full of anger, then cry and be up and down and experience all kinds of emotions. Before they were repressed and now they are coming out. If you can ride the rollercoaster it will eventually smooth out, it may take some time. You are right on target, you are healing.

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  2. Wow I needed to hear that. It has been a week of hell and maybe its just my perception of it, but I did not handle all the emotions in a healthy way. I just have to keep trying. It’s hard but I’m giving it my best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel like this so much. PTSD sucks. I try but then I get so overwhelmed and even existing is exhausting. It’s a roller coaster for sure. My T tells me that we all remember and forget. That it’s just okay to be wherever you are because you’re going to get where you are going. Slowly but surely.

    Liked by 1 person

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