I was thinking a lot today about how many times I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone over the past year.
I’ve always been a person to air on the side of caution when it comes to things that make me get in touch with my feelings or something that I have a fear of.
I don’t have the normal fears of physical pain, or even my own safety. I don’t have a fear of flying, or traveling alone, or most of the normal fears that women have.
My fears are all emotional. Love, loss, crying, anger, etc.
In therapy, I have really had to stretch myself beyond my own comfort in order to try and reach those feelings and emotions that I put away long ago.
I was thinking about how when you first try to blow up a balloon. It’s usually rigid, and tight. Very difficult to get it to start to expand. One it begins to stretch, it’s easier to put more air in. Then, when you let all the air out, it never goes back to it’s original shape.
I’m trying to do just that. I’m trying to stretch so much that I can’t go back to who I was.
I want to learn how to feel and experience love, joy, anger, peace, sadness, grief, and every other emotion in a healthy way.
I want to learn to say yes instead of always saying no, or why. Rarely do I agree to anything without a thousand conflicting thoughts going thru my mind.
I almost always feel guilt for experiencing emotions or feelings of any kind. I even feel guilt because I have joy or happiness.
Unless you have heard as many criticisms from loved ones, you probably don’t understand why so much thinking goes into any decision. None of them happen automatically.
Anyway, Mrs. A typically gives me writing assignments that I don’t like because they stretch me to think and feel. A lot of times I will ask why she wants me to do that. Or I ask what the purpose of the assignment is. I’m sure she’s used to my crazy questions by now.
But I am making an effort to grow and change. To not be so rigid and tight that I cannot breath in or out. Im going to keep forcing feelings in until I can’t grow any more and until I’m stretched to full capacity.
It may be painful to stretch myself but maybe eventually feeling will come naturally.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.