Have you noticed that I try to use a title that will catch your attention? Sometimes it’s my attempt to lighten the mood. Or sometimes it’s sarcasm at it’s finest. LOL.
Anyway, the real reason I started the blog was to share the untold, uncut, raw truth. Something I have never been able to do out of fear of backlash from the family, or the abusers actually knowing that I’m telling.
Tuesday is always my therapy day. I start anticipating it usually on Sunday night. Seriously, I try to psych myself up for something big. Like I’m going to finally spill my guts, or I’m going to cry until I feel relief.
The truth is that it is nothing like that. I spent all this time ruminating and dreading and anticipating and typically leave there feeling like I failed because there wasn’t a huge breakthrough.
I’ve wondered how mant times Mrs. A must be thinking to herself, “Dang, I wish this girl would just spit it out!”
It has now been one year since I started therapy and that alone frustrates me. 1 year. Wow. Come on girl. Get with the program.
Self-criticism and self-labeling are my two biggest hurdles.
My biggest therapy fear is that someone will hear me cry. Or see me leaving in a way that doesn’t appear to be “all together”.
I just want to be un-noticed. Invisible. I want to sneak in and sneak out.
I have this huge need to appear perfectly emotionless so that no one knows that I am human.
I try to predict what we will discuss but 9 out of 10 times, that doesn’t happen either.
Therapy is an interesting thing. Seems like a phenomenon to me. Like mysterious and elusive. Like how do you make this actually work to your advantage and not make you feel worse.
Anyway, I’m going once again today with an open mind and ready to conquer the world. Let’s hope I can just come away with at least a tiny sense of accomplishment.
And if there is crying, I’ll try not to be ashamed.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.