Day 52 – Anticipation of the Precipitation

Have you noticed that I try to use a title that will catch your attention? Sometimes it’s my attempt to lighten the mood. Or sometimes it’s sarcasm at it’s finest. LOL.

Anyway, the real reason I started the blog was to share the untold, uncut, raw truth. Something I have never been able to do out of fear of backlash from the family, or the abusers actually knowing that I’m telling.

Tuesday is always my therapy day. I start anticipating it usually on Sunday night. Seriously, I try to psych myself up for something big. Like I’m going to finally spill my guts, or I’m going to cry until I feel relief.

The truth is that it is nothing like that. I spent all this time ruminating and dreading and anticipating and typically leave there feeling like I failed because there wasn’t a huge breakthrough.

I’ve wondered how mant times Mrs. A must be thinking to herself, “Dang, I wish this girl would just spit it out!”

It has now been one year since I started therapy and that alone frustrates me. 1 year. Wow. Come on girl. Get with the program.

Self-criticism and self-labeling are my two biggest hurdles.

My biggest therapy fear is that someone will hear me cry. Or see me leaving in a way that doesn’t appear to be “all together”.

I just want to be un-noticed. Invisible. I want to sneak in and sneak out.

I have this huge need to appear perfectly emotionless so that no one knows that I am human.

I try to predict what we will discuss but 9 out of 10 times, that doesn’t happen either.

Therapy is an interesting thing. Seems like a phenomenon to me. Like mysterious and elusive. Like how do you make this actually work to your advantage and not make you feel worse.

Anyway, I’m going once again today with an open mind and ready to conquer the world. Let’s hope I can just come away with at least a tiny sense of accomplishment.

And if there is crying, I’ll try not to be ashamed.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

7 thoughts on “Day 52 – Anticipation of the Precipitation

  1. MJ … I feel your pain and your frustration, and all I can say is trust the path and stay the course. I’ve been in therapy peeling back the onion of Complex-PTSD for nine and a half years. I had to look at it as a journey. Some days there will be breakthroughs and some days there will be just talk. And that’s okay, because we can’t possibly process everything all at once. It would overwhelm us and we’d shut down again. Judging our experience; having an agenda for when it should all be out there and healed just adds more pressure and stress we don’t need. I gave up on that a long time ago. The journey takes as long as it takes and is the richer for it.

    I’ve had a constant battle with the whole “see me; please don’t see me” phenomenon., and finally decided I’m ready to confront it so that I can help others find healing from the traumas that run a default program of anxiety, shame, guilt, self-doubt, etc. in their lives. I’m at the point in my own recovery where to go further I need to write about my healing journey to help others. Fortunately, in the writing I find I can now look back and be circumspect about most of it. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, but I don’t want to be stuck in the shadows for the rest of my life. Not after all the work I’ve done. It’s time to shine!

    Again, I salute you. What a wonderful example you are of stepping into your power and reclaiming your life. Be well … Dorothy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Dorothy. Your support means a lot. Im currently working on my website and outline for public speaking. There is no going back now. Its not without a cost but I can’t leave this world as an insignificant, never loved person. They will be shocked at my success. 💜🙏🏼

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi. Have you tried EMDR or exposure therapy? When I read your expectation of yourself, it reminded me of what you had to be and do to survive the abuse. Give that little girl a hug and let her know it’s okay to cry. She’s safe and no one will eve hurt her again.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  4. One of my favourite readings in my Al Anon readers speaks of how it takes a lifetime for us to be wounded but we impatiently expect quick fixes in the fastest time. Its the soul that is scarred in trauma and as D H Lawrence said the scars of the soul take a long long time to heal and a difficult repentance. You are in process and everything is right on time. Don’t let your inner critic tell you otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

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