At my last visit with Mrs. A, we discussed self-blame, and my inability to place blame where it truly belongs. She asked me to make two lists. The first list to be the things that I should take ownership of. Things that were really in my control. The second list would be the things that I should not take ownership of. What truly was or is not my fault.
The truth is that if I place blame or ownership where it belongs, then I have to learn to forgive myself. I would have to accept that people really did hurt me for no reason at all. I would have to believe that my life and my future did not matter enough to stop someone from abusing me.
How do I do that? It’s such a catch-22. How do I not feel bad about myself if I believe that I wasn’t truly loved?
It always felt much easier to blame myself than to feel angry or blame those that I loved. I never saw anger as a constructive emotion. I always saw it coupled with violence, screaming, and a loss of control.
My life has been centered around staying in control. If I get angry, how will I react? If I blame the abusers and their enablers, where does that leave me? Do I sound weak? Do I have to admit that I wasn’t in control of all those parts of my life?
In a lot of ways, I never grew up. I’m stuck at age 15. I’m stuck at, “You must have liked it”. I’m stuck at being the black sheep of the family. I’m stuck at being the person who caused everything to fall apart. I’m stuck at running away in my mind when something feels bad. I’m stuck at not feeling loved or protected.
Being a Christian, is knowing that God has forgiven me for all of my past. Including stuff that I believe to be my fault, that really wasn’t. But how do I truly give it all up? How do I believe He has forgiven me, if I can’t forgive myself? If I believe He has forgiven me, I would have to believe that He loves me for who I am. Faults and all.
I’m working on changing my mindset. I’m working on forgiving me. I’m working on admitting that I can’t and shouldn’t try to control everything. I’m working on admitting that I am human.
The truth is that I was abused. I was not protected. I did not feel loved. Now all I have to do is accept the truth and forgive me.
Forgive yourself MJ. Please.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.