Being tired is a way of life for me. I sleep when I’m exhausted.
Every night I dread going to bed. My bed is so comfortable and so pretty. But It almost feels like a punishment.
Going to bed means I can no longer be alert and aware of my surroundings. It is the ultimate trust in myself and my environment. If I fall asleep, I can’t control anything.
Going to sleep means I could possibly have nightmares. And probably will. I could wake up screaming or crying. I could wake up and see him standing at my door. Or maybe think that I can feel his hands on me.
I’m told that all of these things happen as a result of PTSD.
I started a bedtime routine a few weeks ago. Part of my routine is to kneel down beside my bed and try to be thankful for bedtime and sleep. And thankful that I have a bed to sleep in etc.
I was telling Ms. A in therapy on Friday that it seems so unfair that so much of my abuse occurred during the night and/or in bed. We have to sleep to function. We need sleep to regenerate our energy and our minds. We can’t live without it.
So I have to make an effort to put myself in bed each night. I have to decide that I will be ok.
I’m so jealous of people who can go to bed and just sleep.
Last night I slept with the lamp on. It seems to comfort me when I’m feeling really anxious.
I wish I could go to bed at least one night without the noise in my head. Without a thought of needing to stay awake in case something happens.
I pray a lot at night. I sometimes listen to music. Or my app that reads the bible. I ask God to give me peace.
Most nights I lay awake thinking of things I need to do, where I want to go, people I want to talk to, etc.
I don’t know when this will change or what will make the difference but I’m so tired.
I just want peace. Hopefully sleep wont be far behind.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.