Day 49 – Rest in Peace

Being tired is a way of life for me. I sleep when I’m exhausted.

Every night I dread going to bed. My bed is so comfortable and so pretty. But It almost feels like a punishment.

Going to bed means I can no longer be alert and aware of my surroundings. It is the ultimate trust in myself and my environment. If I fall asleep, I can’t control anything.

Going to sleep means I could possibly have nightmares. And probably will. I could wake up screaming or crying. I could wake up and see him standing at my door. Or maybe think that I can feel his hands on me.

I’m told that all of these things happen as a result of PTSD.

I started a bedtime routine a few weeks ago. Part of my routine is to kneel down beside my bed and try to be thankful for bedtime and sleep. And thankful that I have a bed to sleep in etc.

I was telling Ms. A in therapy on Friday that it seems so unfair that so much of my abuse occurred during the night and/or in bed. We have to sleep to function. We need sleep to regenerate our energy and our minds. We can’t live without it.

So I have to make an effort to put myself in bed each night. I have to decide that I will be ok.

I’m so jealous of people who can go to bed and just sleep.

Last night I slept with the lamp on. It seems to comfort me when I’m feeling really anxious.

I wish I could go to bed at least one night without the noise in my head. Without a thought of needing to stay awake in case something happens.

I pray a lot at night. I sometimes listen to music. Or my app that reads the bible. I ask God to give me peace.

Most nights I lay awake thinking of things I need to do, where I want to go, people I want to talk to, etc.

I don’t know when this will change or what will make the difference but I’m so tired.

I just want peace. Hopefully sleep wont be far behind.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

2 thoughts on “Day 49 – Rest in Peace

  1. I empathise completely. I was not sexually abused by following my head injury I don’t get into bed and fall asleep for at least and hour and a half and its only 14 years later after therapy I can sleep sometimes right through. Often I am awake for over 2 hours feeling like I am on a precipice. I know how hard it is. I can totally understand why you experience this. Nothing I can offer but I understand. Its such a terrible consequence of PTSD.


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