Day 48 – Triggered

The last few days have been such a reminder of how it feels to be a victim.

I’ve seen some of the Kavanaugh hearings and it’s been unsettling.

I won’t offer an opinion on the validity of either side of the story. I’m not blogging to pick up a political agenda. My purpose is to tell my story and give you an insight as to what happens when you have PTSD related to childhood sexual abuse.

But as I watched the hearings, I’m reminded of how the judicial system always seems to air on the side of the perpetrator and that’s part of living in the USA. Innocent until proven guilty.

As a child, when my secret came out, I didn’t have the words to explain it as abuse. I only knew how to describe it in the words he told me. It was a relationship. An affair of sorts. And I believed 100% that I fully and willingly particpated in the abuse at the age of 12.

Yes, now it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. And as I’m describing my ‘affair’ to the State’s Attorney, I’m explaining it as an event that was normal to me. And perhaps believed to be enjoyable.

But all of those descriptions worked against me. And I was questioned almost as if I was a scorned lover. And by this time I’m 15 so I guess it made it even harder for these men to believe.

Childhood sexual abuse is a taboo topic. Especially when it’s a family member. No one wants to believe that this pillar of the family could be this sick and perverted.

So, as I’m watching Kavanaugh’s statement, it’s such a reminder of my own story and the whole judicial process.

I hate that once again, they are making this a partisan, political issue. It is not!!

This is a reflection of our society and how we deal with issues of sexual assault.

Please don’t tell me your opinion of who is right or wrong. Because either way, I’m triggered and suffering from flashbacks. PTSD does not care about right or wrong.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

2 thoughts on “Day 48 – Triggered

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