One month after I turned 18 I got married to a boy I met in high school.
We didn’t date very long before we were engaged.
Having spent all those years in trauma and chaos, I couldn’t wait to get a fresh start. I found this gentle giant who was quiet and shy and respectful. I didn’t hestitate to say yes.
His life had been somewhat traumatic also, having lost his mother to brain cancer just before we met.
Anyway, I believe that we started out just needing one another out of desperation to give love and to be loved.
But even from the beginning of our marriage I had problems with intimacy.
In spite of all the difficult things we went through we loved each other with a simple kind of “we fit together” love.
The birth of our son brought us even closer and we matured a lot in our relationship at that time.
The only problem with our marriage is that we loved each other so much that neither of us wanted to see the other in pain.
I was hurting so bad in those days and the intimacy seemed to compound my feelings of shame. Whenever I would tell him about my nightmares or emotional pain, he would be so sad. But he never knew how to comfort me. And I couldn’t tell him what I needed.
By the same token, he had a lot of emotional pain and had no idea how to even voice it.
One day, after 11 years of marriage, I said, “Let’s get divorced”. He said, “Ok, when do you want to do it?”
And it was that simple. No arguing. No fighting. Just two people in indescribable pain and no way to express it.
We divorced less than one year later.
As time went on, we both remarried. But I can’t help but to think about the what ifs.
Childhood sexual abuse not only devestated my life but also my husband’s and my son’s lives.
That’s a guilt that I’m not sure I will ever be able to let go off.
I don’t know if I will ever find that kind of love again.
But if I do, I pray that I will be able to love and be loved.
Most of the time, it’s a struggle to feel worthy of being loved. I’m working on it. But first I have to learn to love me.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.