Since the beginning of this blog, I could just sit down and write. Never really had to think about it.
Today is Tuesday. I haven’t written since Saturday. Writing means I’m required to think and feel and try to put that in words.
I haven’t felt well. My stomach has not been feeling good. One of the things that happens to me, is that when I’m really trying to avoid feeling emotions, is that my insides get all turned around. My stomach hurts. My blood pressure gets out of control and I normally get a whopper headache.
This weekend I needed to cope with some deep feelings. But I just couldn’t allow myself to even cry. I’m sure that the people that were with me had no idea that I was thinking or feeling anything but happiness.
Why do I do that? Why can’t I just cry like others do? Why can’t I just feel the emotions and not be afraid of them?
The truth is that yesterday, I kept thinking that this recovery thing sucks, and what’s the point? I hate that I feel so great for a while and then can plunge so far down into that deep hole in a matter of minutes.
I used to be able to be so insensitive. Now I feel like I’m sensitive about everything. I feel like feelings are everywhere and I can’t escape them.
For 36 hours, I felt so awful and for 36 hours I felt so guilty for feeling awful. Why can’t I just say, “that made me really sad” and just go with the tears or the anger or whatever. Instead is dissociate and numb until I can move on. There never really is a point where I deal with what happened. I literally just move on.
I guess in a sense, it is the weakest way to deal with things.
There really is no point to this blog post except to say that I fell off my healing high and was so disappointed in myself. Now I have to forgive myself and not be hard on myself.
I am not good at nurturing myself or forgiving myself. But regardless, I must pick up the pieces and try to find some peace.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.