Today I went to therapy. I walked in smiling and left smiling. Normally that would be a good thing but the truth is that I wanted to cry the whole time.
For me, smiling and pretending everything is ok, is a natural reflex. I don’t understand it but I fight crying and tears until I break.
Most of the time, if I feel like I need to cry, I run. By that I mean that I have to get away from whatever situation makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s hard to do that so I zone out. I look at a distraction and focus on that.
I guess that behavior should make me happy, but it really works the opposite. After you stuff it for so long, it comes out unexpectedly and usually not good timing.
I’ve been reading a lot about emotions and crying. I found this article very interesting.
Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.
I’m going to work on being authentic and crying when its appropriate.
But, If I cry, will I be judged? If I cry, will I make someone angry like my parents used to react? If I cry will I be able to stop? If I cry will I hurt the ones I love?
I want to change my self-talk. I’m working on it. I’m taking baby steps.
But if I cry? Is it ok? Is it really ok?
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.