Day 33 – Brave And Scared

Sunday morning I went to church with one of my very best friends and her family. I typically don’t go to church alone because I always feel like people are staring or they feel sorry for me, etc.

The sermon was centered around family and home. With all the things I’ve been feeling lately, it was hard for me to just sit and listen and try to get something out of the message. At the end of the service there was a special prayer for families. At that point I just had to leave.

Did I have to leave? Maybe not. But I did. The truth is that I felt an emptiness and sadness that was overtaking my thoughts. I was afraid I would break down and cry.

I wish I would have or could have cried instead of running from those crappy feelings.

I’m trying so hard to replace family members that aren’t supportive. I truly have the most loving caring friends.

The truth is that I need to feel sad and cry. I need to be angry that they chose to love a child abuser and not the child.

But all of those feelings scare me to death. What if the feelings are bigger than me? What if the sadness is much greater than the happiness? What if I’m not strong enough to survive?

Being numb is so much easier than being brave. Not feeling is so much easier than crying.

Thinking over this past year, I realized that I have been brave. I have been strong. And I have grown.

I always thought being brave was not being afraid of new things. Or the unknown. But being brave is taking a step even if you are scared to death. Being brave is letting people know that you are human. Being brave is caring enough about yourself to continue on your journey.

Even world class athletes are sometimes afraid of losing, because they too are human.

Being brave means you are not afraid to fail. Being brave means that you have to let yourself be vulnerable.

As I try to find and grow a new me, I’m so scared. But I’m Brave.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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