I had a conversation yesterday with someone I love, and this comment was made. “I heard you are in therapy. I have chosen to move on and try not to look back”.
For the record, and I know I’ve said this before, I did move on. I did keep the secret. I did become successful at hiding. I was able to put my happy mask on in a moment’s notice. I did function normally in society.
And then it happened. There it was. My nightmare in full living color. I was immediately thrown into a whirlwind of emotions. My heart was aching. I wanted to die.
I did NOT CHOOSE to go back. Trust me, going back and remembering those things is a conscious choice that no one would make. Especially after all these years.
Please know that PTSD is not a choice. It is an illness that is not unlike a broken arm. You have to heal. You have to learn to use it again. You can’t just put the bones back in place and move on.
I’m not angry because this time last year, I didn’t know either. I didn’t know that memories could haunt me. I didn’t know that I have a type of traumatic brain injury that occurs with abuse when the brain is under-developed. I didn’t know that I everything I had learned growing up wasn’t the truth.
If you ask anyone that knew me at this same time last year, they would tell you that they had no idea that I had suffered repeated child abuses with multiple perpetrators.
I could have chosen to numb once again. Maybe even develop an addiction to hide my pain. But what I decided is that this time I’m talking about the secrets. This time I don’t want to be ashamed of my life.
So call it going back or not moving on, but I call it survival. I call it healing. I call it recovery.
If you don’t agree, sorry, NOT SORRY.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.