The last two days, I have felt more alive. On Friday, I cried most of the day. I was off of work, and was trying to figure out how to spend my day. I woke up with memories and reminders of my past year and the struggles I’ve had. The dreams continually remind me of all the things that I have worked so hard to forget.
What I did was different for me. I just went with the feelings. I cried and paced the floor. I wanted to punch something. I tried to tap into the anger because I’ve never really been able to feel angry toward my abusers. I didn’t exactly get that far, but I did go with the tears. And it was almost a calming cry. I wasn’t trying to fight the tears. I was trying to accept them as part of my healing and recovery. I was trying to accept them as a necessary part of life. By 9 pm, I was ready to lay down and rest. I was exhausted from a day of feelings.
It was a normal night of tossing and turning. But when I got up in the morning, I felt refreshed. I cooked myself breakfast. I cleaned my room. Did some writing and then met up with a friend. I spent the day out of the house, shopping and walking. There was no way I could have handled two days of feelings. (Ha!Ha!)
What I’m realizing is that feelings won’t kill me. Yes, they can be painful and seem never ending. But I definitely survive them. My job is to sort them and understand where they come from. My job is to put them into perspective.
One of the things that came to my mind today was growth. Growth can be so hard. I truly have had awful growing pains over the last year. When it’s winter in your life, you feel like you will never see another spring.
There is a time for every season. Winter can be dark and lonely. Winter can be cold and isolating. Spring seems to never come. And even when the days get brighter, there is a time when you plant your seeds, that it seems like nothing is happening.
My seeds have cracked and opened and now I’m waiting to bloom. I’m impatient. I’m tired of feeling negative feelings. (But at least I’m feeling right?) I know that in the summer, the days get longer. And even thought it rains in the summer, that rain causes more growth.
I think before this year, my new growth was really just weeds covering up where the previous years weeds had just fallen to the ground. I couldn’t bear to uncover the dead weeds to make room for the new weeds. So it just grew and grew into a field of weeds that seemed impossible to change.
I’m re-cultivating. Re-planting. Re-growing. I’m waiting for all of this new growth to reveal the most beautiful flower.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.