One of the worst feelings of this healing journey is the feeling of loneliness. I can be in a room full of people and still feel isolated. I can be having dinner with my closest friends and still feel lonely.
It’s hard to explain where the loneliness feeling comes from. It seems like it’s so deep in your soul that no one can even see it. I would say, if most of the people who know me described me, they would not say I was “lonely”.
Feeling like you are the “odd one”, or the one who is different, is very common in child abuse survivors. The truth is that we were different. We didn’t play like most children. We didn’t dream like most children. We spent a lot of time in fear. We spent a lot of time with dread. We spent a lot of time trying to please others. We spent a lot of time keeping our feelings locked up. When we laughed, it was forced. We had to laugh to make others believe that nothing awful was happening to us. We had be strong against physical pain, in order to keep quiet. We had to be an adult in a little person’s body.
Today I’m desperately trying to feel attached to people and things. I’m trying to feel like I have a home and friends and people that love me. I’m trying to feel like I’m going to be ok.
One of the worst parts of loneliness is that it’s a cycle. You feel lonely and then you feel stupid for feeling lonely. Then you just want to isolate yourself so no one knows you feel lonely. And you definitely cannot tell others that you feel lonely, because they will take it personally.
Feeling attached to someone would mean that you have to be vulnerable and set up to be hurt or used. Feeling attached would mean that you can’t hide your true inner self any more.
As I mentioned before, hugging is one of the most vulnerable expressions for me. In my childhood, there weren’t hugs and holding. There wasn’t bedtime stories and family dinners. There wasn’t I love you messages or notes in my lunchbox. There wasn’t family vacations and movie nights. There just wasn’t attachment. There wasn’t a feeling of belonging.
Now, that probably is my biggest struggle. I don’t know how to feel like I am apart of other’s lives. I feel like I’m an observer. Watching other’s have happiness.
I’m going to keep fighting the inside loneliness. And I’m so grateful to the friends who have told me over and over again that I have worth. I want to believe them. I want to be a part of someone or something. I just have to learn to believe in myself first. If I can’t reach that lost child and raise her to feel loved, how can anyone find a worthy adult?
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.