Day 26 – Victim or Victor?

As I’m going thru different phases of my recovery, I have thought of myself as many different things.

Most of those are negative labels that I play over and over in my head. And every time I think of myself negatively, it’s twice as hard to come up with something positive.

Sometimes I think so little of myself that it’s hard to even receive a compliment.

Today In therapy I was able to share a little more of my experiences than I normally do. It sort of felt like a small victory.

In the past year, there have been way more failures than victories.

I never really labeled myself as a victim but more of a failure. I never could see that I was taken advantage of.

I could never celebrate even the smallest of victories because the truth is that I was a victim.

I was a victim of my own self talk. I was a victim of memories and nightmares. I was a victim of a someone who demolished my innocence. I was a victim of every negative description of me those who were suppossed to keep me safe.

Considering yourself a victim is definitly a catch-22. I had to be able to admit that I was sexually abused and own it as part of my story.

At the same time, I have to begin thinking of myself as a victor.

I did conquer darkness. I did conquer depression. I did conquer suicide. I did conquer fear. I did conquer sexual abuse.

I have to remember the small victories and believe I will contine to grow.

In the end, I have to win. I can’t quit just because I’m tired. I can’t quit because I am afraid. I can’t quit. I can’t quit. I can’t quit.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.