Day 23 – No Where to Hide

At the age of 15 (almost 16) the abuse finally came to an end. That in itself is a story that seems unbelievable.

My last abuser (my uncle) was arrested but free not even 24 hours later. He was never prosecuted. In those days the victim had to prove that the perpetrator was guilty. (Enter more shame and guilt).

Anyway, fast forward to the age of 21. It has now been over 5 years since I have seen anyone in the family including him.

One day, my husband and I were out shopping and there he was. In broad daylight. Smiling. Talking to someone.

The last words we exchanged were threats and I was more than sure that he would kill me that very day.

So there he is. I literally froze. Turned around and ran for my life. My husband, not knowing what had just happened, is trying to catch up to me.

We made it to the car and I couldn’t even speak. At home, I went straight to my room and got under the covers. I was shaking. Trembling. Crying. My heart was exploding. I stayed there for two days. All day Saturday and Sunday.

On Monday, I tried to go out and was terrified. For 6 months, I could barely leave the house. And when I did I got very sick to my stomach. That started many years of panic in public places. I have had to leave big open places many times. Even at home it seemed like I wasn’t safe. There literally was (in my mind) no where to hide.

During those days, I wished I could build a cave or bunker and hide until I died.

It’s so disabling to never feel safe.

I now can go just about anywhere without panic but since my perpetrator lives in the next city, running into him or his family is always a possibility.

I am free from him physically and no longer worry about him harming me. But the emotional destruction was done long ago. Each day, I have to come out of his emotional grips and try to trust myself.

I have to push his hands off of me in my mind. I have to forget his smell in my mind. I have to know that God always has my back. I have to know that I no longer need to hide.

If I ever see him again, I will stand up brave and tall and tell him that he can’t scare me anymore.

I have to lie to myself every day until I believe I am strong enough to fight him. I have to depend on my armor and my Heavely Father to keep me safe.

So know this Mr. Child Abuser. I am like Schwarznegger. I WILL BE BACK.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.