Yesterday I stumbled. I wanted to quit this journey I am on. I wanted to stop trying. I wanted to go back to one year ago, and be my normal, numb, strong self.
The only thing I could think to do is to go to sleep. They say things always look better in the morning. That is exactly what I did. I was in bed by 8 pm. I fell asleep and woke up many times during the night.
I woke up the last time around 5 am and tried to encourage myself to have a better day. I had to remind myself how many times I had fallen and was still able to get back up and move on.
Babies learn how to walk by falling. They crawl first and after a few hundred falls, they eventually figure out how to balance their little bodies.
What I have to learn is that even while I’m falling, I am falling into my purpose. I am falling into a new path. A new direction. Even when I fall directly on my face, it is still falling forward. The most important thing for me to remember is that I have to be the one to pick myself back up. If I fall 10 times, I have to get back up 11 times.
I used to think I had mastered life. Now I’m figuring out that I may always be a student. I may always need to learn new things. I may always need to learn harsh lessons. I may need to experience grief and loss. I may need to do things that I don’t particularly like to do.
I’m frequently lost in my feelings for my current situation. I forget that I do deserve to be happy. I forget that I do deserve good things. I do deserve peace.
The problem is making myself vulnerable. Now I’m learning that I will be most powerful when I learn that I don’t need to be in control or powerful over every situation in my life.
Growing is always uncomfortable. Uncomfortable doesn’t have to mean a negative end result. Things often seem impossible until you have actually done it. But sometimes when you have difficulty believing you can do it, it holds you back from growing into the purpose that is meant for your life.
When you are traveling down an unknown roads, there are bends and turns. If you fail to make the turn, you never get to the end of the road. Some of the most difficult roads lead to the most beautiful destinations. Usually windy, steep, mountainous roads lead to the most beautiful scenery and views.
The biggest thing I am learning these days is that God’s plan for my life is far greater than any fears I could have. I limit my own growth with my fear.
The toughest soldiers are the ones that are sent to the biggest battles. The soldiers with the greatest strength are the ones carrying the heaviest weapons. I definitely am fighting a war. A war with explosions and loud noises. A war that causes me to grieve frequently. But I have to keep fighting in order to be victorious in this journey.
I have to remember that I can fall forward and still win this race. The finish line sometimes is only one fall away. Winning this race will teach me to appreciate even the smallest of victories. Each step is a victory. Each breath is a victory.
So, I may keep falling, but I’m falling forward.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.