Today I’m back to work with an odd sort of numbness. I’m not happy and I’m not depressed or as sad as I have been this past weekend.
The weirdest thing is that those days were like having blinders on. I literally could not see outside of the turmoil I was feeling in my soul. Everything was tunnel vision. There was no left or right. I just had to keep pushing myself forward until I could breathe again.
When I’m feeling that low, I want to scream and cry and be comforted. But my inner me says that it doesn’t matter how much you cry. It doesn’t matter how much you scream. It doesn’t matter how much you beg people to feel your pain. It will never be validated.
My friends, therapist, son, and co-workers have all assured me that they will go thru this with me. They have assured me that I can call, text or email in times of crisis. But all I hear is that little voice saying, “You are such a problem and no one wants to hear you cry about the same stupid stuff 40+ years later”.
So, gradually I pull myself together in an attempt to appear “normal” to everyone I know.
Why can’t I talk back to this small voice and tell it to go away? Why can’t I cry out for help? Why can’t I feel like my feelings are normal? Why can’t I just tell it all to God and it be enough to comfort me?
I’m trying to pull out every technique I know to feel safe from these overpowering emotions. But the truth is that I don’t even know why or how they are so consuming.
I hate that I have allowed three more days to be devoured by the ache and trapped feelings in my heart.
What I really want is to get angry. I want to hate what happened to me. I want to hate the control it has over my life. I want to hate the perpetrators. I want to hate depression and sadness. I want to hate hurricanes and new beginnings.
I was thinking this morning of the symbolism of the hurricane and how it literally destroyed any sense of normalcy that thought I had in my life. Only now I’m finding out that it was all a façade and I never had a normal life.
I’m fighting today. Fighting to go to a new place. Fighting to be able to react to a nightmare with a sense of rebellion. I’m fighting to laugh at life when it is difficult. I’m fighting to stay in the game. I want to win. I want to succeed. I want to have peace.
But first I must be able to cry out.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.