Sitting in the lobby of my therapy office, I feel nothing but terror. It’s been 8 months and I’m still scared to death to face these demons. My heart is pounding. My stomach is making loud noises. I want to leave but I’m so afraid of looking stupid or hurting someone’s feelings. Ms. A (my therapist) has never done anything to make me want to run away. It’s all my inner voices. There’s a constant noise in my head.
I’m telling myself 10 different things at once. I’m saying to myself, “Run, hide. It’s too painful”. “Take deep breaths. It’s ok”. “Just laugh a lot and you won’t have to talk about anything serious”. “Tell her you have an emergency and have to go”, etc. etc.
The self talk is annoying. Whether negative or positive. It just never gets quiet.
Part of growing up with abuse is always trying to be aware and trying to prepare yourself for the next incident. You don’t know wether it will be gentle or painful. You don’t know if it will last two minutes or twenty minutes. You don’t know if the abuser will be nice or angry. You don’t know if this is the moment when someone finds out. You don’t know really what to expect but each time you feel like you have to do better at anticipating the whole scenario. Each time, you hate yourself more for letting it happen. Even when the abuser is no where around, the self talk never stops. You can never let your guard down.
You’re afraid to eat because you might throw up. You’re afraid to sleep because He could sneak up on you. You’re afraid to tell anyone because He will kill you. And all of these decisions to behave a certain way at a certain time are incorrect. You can’t determine when it will happen next or how it will happen. So you learn to always be vigilant and never ever trust your own decisions.
When it does happen, you hate yourself. When it does happen, you can’t believe how much it shocks you. When it does happen, you swear you are going to tell someone. But all of these expectations and feelings of dissappointment in yourself, lead you to a life of fear and self loathing.
The only way to cope with all of the fear and self-hate is to put up walls.
You try to protect yourself from everything and everybody. And you quickly learn that because you are a child, you have no control over anything.
Hating yourself and allowing the abuse actual becomes easier than trying to fight it. And as you are allowing it, you go a place in your mind where nothing can hurt you.
The place is no where. No sounds. No smells. No breathing. No pain. No heartache. No no expressions. No feelings. It’s so easy. So much easier than knowing what is happening to you.
Stopping this cycle is the hardest thing in the world. It is a lifelong practice that controls you.
I have to learn to think and feel and trust my own decisions.
It’s much easier not to trust anyone or anything. It’s a battle of the mind that no can ever win.
The noise in my head is torture.
For now i’m staying alert and aware. If the noise ever stops, I think I will be gone from this life.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.