In only 10 days, this blog has been seen by over 400 people. I’m shocked. I’m happy. I’m scared to death. I have a million emotions. This is not a struggle that brings me pride.
Next month I’m going to be a guest on a radio talk show to talk about my story and survival.
Finally having a voice is scarey. Will people judge me? Will people still love me? Will I be expected to be “all better”? Will my family hate me even more?
Yes, I think of all the possible negative responses and outcomes. It’s an awful learned habit but one I know all too well.
When you are told your whole life how you should have felt or behaved, you don’t know how to think for yourself. You’re accomplishments are basically just efforts to make others care about you and love you.
When the 3rd and only abuse that was revealed to my parents was told (not by me), my Mother said I must have liked it. She never asked if I was ok or even offered any sympathy or hugs. My Mother questioned if I was a whore? I couldn’t say anything. And I was told to stop my silent crying. That very day part of my soul turned black. I learned that it really didn’t matter what my opinion was or how much I hurt. I learned that even my own Mother was dissappointed in my life. I think at that moment she wished I would disappear. She told me how bad this is affecting her life and all the problems it has caused her.
Any voice I had was gone. I didn’t tell because I was afraid of making my parents angry. Boy did I under estimate that one.
Now I’m learning to have a voice. It would be very easy for me to end my story here and crawl back into the darkness. Each day I have to force myself to keep talking. Some days I have to force myself to just breath.
Loving myself seems so far away. I’m trying. I’m whispering a little more every day. One day my voice will be loud and clear and unstoppable. Until then, I’m learning a new language. I’m learning to see myself with a new vision. My hands are learning how to hold on. My feet are learning how to take baby steps. My ears are learning to hear compliments and kudos. My walls are coming down one stone at a time.
My heart and soul are still under tight security. One day, I hope to meet them for the first time, but will I like them?
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.