Minutes could seem like days when you are being sexually assaulted.
I used to be a professional at separating myself from real life. I have since learned that this is called dissociation.
I often think about how much time I lost just trying to not think or feel. What I realized is that even if the abuse lasted only minutes, it would turn into hours or days or even weeks of trying to zone out. Or trying not to feel hurt or pain. Sometimes, if the pain was physical, I would have to pretend there was no pain while pretending my little soul wasn’t being robbed.
Now when I look back at my childhood, I can’t remember very large portions of it.
What I can’t remember was playing barbies. Playing dress-up. Playing hide and seek. I can’t remember cuddling with my mom or step-dad. I can’t remember my older siblings loving me or wanting me around.
I’m not saying that some of those things didn’t happen. What I’m saying is that every waking moment, and most of my sleeping moments, were spent either trying to numb or trying to stop the next incident. And that literally was all I thought about.
I have many times in my life stayed awake for days, at full attention, wondering how or when it would happen again. I never ever thought it was the last time. My mind was always preparing for the next time.
When these memories started to surface again last year, the same pattern began to develop. Except now it is wondering when the next nightmare or flashback would come and being prepared for it.
I have only now realized how much of my time has been stolen by these abusers.
I’ve lost a large portion of my life. I have lost my ability to sleep, eat, or think like a normal person. I’ve lost my ability to trust and belive in people. I lost my ability to love.
What I must do now is focus on the future moments and try to salvage as many as possible. I don’t want to give anymore of my time to these people. I want to live the rest of my life with happy moments. Making memories, laughs, and dreams. I want a new clock. A new start. I want to begin to feel and love. I want to sleep peacefully.
So tonight, I’m starting again. I’m desperately trying to salvage moments that haven’t even happened yet.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.