What I haven’t told you is that I was sexually abused by 5 different people over a period of 10 years. One of them was a woman.
And let’s pause here for a moment. That is the first time I have said that publicly and only a handful of my dearest friends know that about me. And of course my therapist, although it took me a long time to tell her.
Again, until 5 months ago, no one knew this about me. It’s still very hard to say out loud. Even harder to admit to myself.
Being only 5 (almost 6) the first time it happened, I didn’t even know what sexual abuse was. For that matter, I had no knowledge of sex at all, period.
Being forced to touch and be touched at such a young age, changes you forever. Being assaulted by a stranger in an agressive manner at that age, is a lesson that you never unlearn.
It leaves permenant marks on your heart. It leaves deep scars in your soul. It is a nightmare that you never wake up from.
Each time I was sexually abused, it literally stole a piece of me. I often wished I could go back to each event and take back what was left behind.
In my therapist’s office, there is a picture of puzzle pieces being formed into a peace sign. Sometime’s when we are in a session I just stare at that picture and wonder if those pieces ever really fit back together. I’m sure that after they have been apart for so long, the edges get rubbed. The shapes begin to disfigure. And when they meet again, they don’t exactly fit back together. How in the world could that result in peace?
Certain things I see, feel, hear, taste or smell immediately bring me back to one of those events where my only thought was survival.
Those pieces of me are broken. Those pieces of me are hidden. I can’t find them.
My hope is that some day I can pick up each piece and form some sort of picture. Even if it’s not a whole peace sign. Maybe I could push them together to form a heart?
Picking up the pieces is back breaking and painful. I’m going to need a lot of extra hands to gather the rubble. This is a job too big for me alone. Thankfully God has assured me that He will never leave me. I’m going to need His big strong hands to hold all the pieces until I know what to do with them.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.