Last night was one of the worst nights in a while. I had several nightmares and only one I remembered.
My dream was about rejection. I’ve been rejected by my parents many times. I’ve been rejected by nearly every family member.
I’ve had much worse nightmares of the abuse and was able to recover easier than with this dream and nothing physical happened in the dream. But this one has taken me back. I have been crying about 15 hours now.
My head hurts. My heart is broken and I feel empty. I wanted to come home from work and lay down and try to sleep, but again Im postponing that part of my day.
So I was thinking, as I’m driving home from work, did I just take a step backward? Am I failing at healing?
One of my greatest, supportive, life long friends said this to me today: “Sounds like all your fears are surfacing in your bad dreams. This could be a good thing because now you can confront them”.
I thought about whether or not I’m moving ahead or going backward. And I decided to look at it as moving forward. I never dealt with any of these feelings or even spoke about the actual abuse. And maybe I was so far behind that I didn’t know where forward was? I was proud to be the abuse survivor who “got over it”. I was proud to be the one who didn’t need love or acceptance. I was proud to be the one who could lose someone and bounce back. And I was proud to be the one who didn’t need any intimacy. Especially hugs. I have a couple of friends who really challenge me on the hug thing.
Anyway, my point is, if I never feel this pain, will I ever move forward?
I’m anxious to be done. I’m anxious to feel better. And I’ve said in therapy, more than once, that it was easier to keep the walls up. Nothing hurt then like this hurts now.
I pray all of this is forward movement. I can’t go back now. I have to keep trying. I need to be done. I’m going to write God a letter snd see if he will deliver my recovery in a nice gold box with a big red bow one it and a card that reads, ALL DONE.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.