A few months ago, before I hit my rock bottom, I decided to get all new furniture. I thought maybe if I changed everything in my surrounding, I would not have nightmares. I thought it would be a fresh start. Nothing in my new bedroom could possibly remind me of the horrible nightmares and long sleepless nights.
The first night with my new furniture, I didnt sleep at all. So, I thought maybe not sleeping was a better alternative. The second night on my new bed, I woke up screaming and crying. I was so shocked that the new furniture didn’t work. The next few days, I stayed at a friends house. I couldn’t bear the thought of already resenting my room after only two days. I think that was the beginning of my desire to do the unthinkable.
If I couldn’t escape the memories and heart pain, what was the point in living.
Changing my scenery could not change 40 year old memories. Changing my scenery did not cause me too forget. How dissapointing to know that I would me me for the rest of my life.
Tonight, I put off going to bed as long as possible. I want to just lay down and go to sleep like normal people and wake up rested and refreshed.
I always wondered what it would it would be like to have your mother comfort you and hold you. I’ve always had to do that for myself. How I wish things had been different. How i’d always wished for new mom.
In this journey I’m having to learn how to let others be my family. It’s so hard to see other families in the mall or at church, etc. and not feel heartache.
Im so thankful that I’m still here but so tired of the war in my mind and dreams.
One day I will win this war and move on to better days and nights. When it happens, I will be able to truly live again.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.