Day 5 – This war

Over this year, i’ve had so many nightmares. Sometimes two or three a night. Sometimes recurring night after night.

In the past few weeks, I’ve started to have flashbacks and memories flooding my mind while I’m awake. Its not uncommon for me to wake up crying or screaming. The diagnosis for me is Complex PTSD. I never wanted to label this mental and emotional war Im fighting but In a small way it helps to know there is a name for it.

I’ve been studying a lot about the effects of trauma on a developing or child’s brain. There actually are real changes to our brain function and even size as we are being abused. I will post more on this later.

I read this stuff because Im trying to make sense of the inner turmoil and struggles to function successfully.

One particular memory has overtaken my thoughts the last few days. Sometimes it feels like Im losing my mind. I try to shut it off but it’s there.

I went to therapy today. I tried to talk about this particular memory but found myself shutting down quickly.

My mind pulls back as soon as I start to cry or feel this stuff.

As a child, I could shut down completely especially during the abuse. No sights, sounds, smells, etc. Just totally absent. Its how I coped thru each event. This response now comes naturally. I don’t even think about it. This is going to be one of my biggest obstacles to recovery and healing.

I have to continue to fight. I have to continue to be brave. I have to give in and allow myself to feel. The pain is so real. It feels like it happened yesterday. And sometimes I would rather not live than experience this a second time. But Im here. Im hanging on. Im learning to trust myself and others. It’s slow. Too slow. So I pray for strength and a renewed mind and heart.

I am going to make it. Right?

Until the next time – I am being MJ everyday.