I was born as the 5th child. My mother was 14 when she got married and 25 when she had me. Being a young mother and wife, I believe she did the very best she could with the experiences she had.
By the time I was 5 years old my parents had decided to divorce. The only memories I have before the age of 5 were of loud arguments.
Before I was 6, my mother had remarried my step-father. He left his marriage with 4 children.
Now we have become a blended family of 11. We did not know one another. From the very start it was chaotic and dysfunctional to say the least.
There were so many hurt and angry people living in one household. Who thought this was a good idea?
From the very beginning, I learned how to hide how I was feeling and keep a low profile. There was never a day in my life that i did not fear getting in trouble. And even that wasn’t the right thing to do. If I was sad, I was told how miserable I was making my mom’s life. If I cried, I was told stop that shxx right now. There never was an appropriate emotion in my parents eyes. I don’t remember laughter and peace ever being a part of our lives.
Even today, I struggled with how to handle a situation. Not really knowing which emotion to use.
Im learning that all of our emotions are God given and serve a purpose. Somehow I just have to believe that it doesn’t make me a bad person.
So all of these thing happened even before the first time I was sexually abused.
This set the stage for a powerless and voiceless childhood. It set the stage for me to question my purpose. It set the stage for me to learn to never trust myself or any other person. I was literally trapped in a wilderness with no way out and no survival skills.
I’ve always struggled with whether or not blame was appropriate. Ultimately the only blame I was ever able to find was for myself. For being too short, too small, too young, too ugly, too scared, too stupid, and too emotional.
Today Im working to find a part of me that I like. A part of me that is acceptable. I have the greatest friends who tell me how much I matter and am loved. But can I trust myself enough to believe them?
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.