I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind was “Did I really just post my life on a blog? What was I thinking”. Part of being a survivor is always questioning your own decisions. The constant self talk is annoying and makes you feel like you cant trust yourself.
That being said, Im continuing to put the story out there for better or for worse.
Last year at the end of August, I traveled to Houston to spend time with family and celebrate my 53rd birthday. Although there was talk of hurricane Harvey coming, no one knew it would hang out for days causing devestating disaster. After being there for a week and finally getting a plane home, I felt guilty for not being able to stay and serve people in need. I was so glad to get back to Florida until the next hurricane headed our direction.
What I didnt count on was how two hurricanes could turn my life upside down. Having been thru many hurricanes, I felt stupid for even feeling such a sadness. I was crying all night for the first few weeks.
Around the middle of September, I woke up crying in the middle of the night after a very violent nightmare. The dream was a version of something that had actually happened to me as a teenager. I was shocked and terrified. I was perfect at putting the past on a shelf and being the adult who just ‘got over it’.
The nightmares continued and flashbacks came. I was so overwhelmed with sadness and fear. I cried out to God and asked him why He would allow this to happen to me. It truly is reliving it. Only this time I can feel. And think. And make choices. The first time it was just survival. There was no decisions in my control.
Each day I was more exhausted and more depressed. I started to feel desperate. I knew I needed help.
Reaching out to a therapist was one of the most embarrassing and humiliating experiences. I knew I would be judged by friends and family. I kept it a secret as long as I possibly could.
Little did I know that God had already hand picked my therapist and I would be on my way to taking the bandage off of a huge wound.
Until tomorrow – I am MJ everyday.